The Way We Live Now: Ho-ho-ho-ping for a holiday miracle. Cause Santa is totally unreachable and all our Christmas money’s going towards tuition and the luxury gourmet superdeluxe business we invested in is “in the red,” like Rudolph. Fuck him.
Here, tell this to your kids: Santa is no longer reading their letters. The Postal Service is canceling its “Letters to Santa” program, because of its popularity with sex offenders. Also because, how can you expect Santa to answer these kids’ requests honestly? They want a video game? They’re getting a can of corned beef hash. And they better enjoy it, because at today’s prices, the temptation to sell your own kids to corned beef hash factories is tempting for many parents.
Kids! The last thing you need during a recession Christmas. Before you know it they’ll be all grown up and clamoring to go to college, and if the University of California is raising its tuition by a third just this year, by the time your kids get there you will literally have to sell yourself in sexual slavery to pay for it, and that is not a joke in any way, please see the Dean of Sexual Slavery to pick up the forms.
We’d swear that America is on the verge of getting the Christmas Blues. Stocks are plummeting. There are more delinquent mortgages than ever. And the US Chamber of Commerce headquarters is trying to recover from a vicious Photoshop lighting storm. We thought we could fall back on our foolproof Luxury Fake Upscale Trendy Foodie Knick-Knack Seller of Unnecessary Crap idea, but our countrymen have somehow lost their taste for luxury, and all those cities that tried to take some old bum warehouse and put in a “gourmet marketplace” thing are hearing the American people say, loud and clear, “Fuck that.”
Santa won’t answer your pleas. Shoppers won’t save your business. And the banks will take your home. Merry Christmas, America. The recovery is the prettiest present of all. [Pic via]
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Here’s the voice of all mothers Kate Gosselin looking as precious as a pimp at church on the cover of her THIRD book. Don’t you just want to softly stroke her Bret Michaels weave before yanking it out in pieces to tie around her mouth and hands? I think that’s what Kate was going for.People reports that Kate’s new book I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Fame, Money and that asshole Jon comes out on April 13th. The book will feature [...]
Enjoying some time in her homeland, Miranda Kerr was spotted out and about in Sydney, Australia earlier today (February 9).The Victoria’s Secret hottie was all smiles as she arrived at Bondi Icebergs for a swanky David Jones party, sporting a leggy black dress with matching heels.And though she’ll be away from her boyfriend Orlando Bloom this Valentine’s Day, Miss Kerr already has an offer to be pampered by someone else.Radio [...]
Taking care of some promotional duties, Taylor Lautner was in the house for the Hollywood premiere of “Valentine’s Day” last night (February 8).The “Twilight” stud was in good spirits as he arrived at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, sporting a dark grey suit with a black shirt and striped necktie.Over the weekend, Taylor teamed up with another Hollywood hunk, Rob Lowe, and checked out all the Super Bowl action.Lowe [...]
Oscar-nominated actress Gabourey Sidibe, 26, may be featured in the latest Vanity Fair and attending glittery industry parties, but her mom isn’t letting her daughter’s success go to her head. Sidibe’s mother, Alice Tan Ridley, is still singing for change at her customary spots in the NY city Subway including Times Square. She works for three hour stretches and has been busking for 18 years. In an interview with the NY Post, [...]
